Texas

"The Other Side" © By Frank Natera How does one put into words emotions and thoughts for someone on the other side of these walls? No one could ever know... Not anyone who hasn't been a white dressed, faceless number lost in this sea we call the "System". When I first walked through these gates nine years ago, I was, but a mere boy, a miscreant juvenile. However, the years have now transformed me into a man who because of the world within... will never be the same. I am a man who cannot show gentleness because in my world nothing is gentle. I cannot show kindness because in here, kindness is a weekness and to be weak in to invite hurt. Understand the way I have changed inside after being stripped of my identity and self-respect. In here change is inevitable as day after day you are treated like an ignorant child and being forced to live with every type of derelict; never being able to excape this impossible life. It's like living in a fish bowl where you can't even sit on the toilet without an audience. Can you begin to understand how being stripped naked and having your very being looked upon with hateful eyes can leave wounds to pride and dignity; ugly scars that may take a lifetime to heal? Try to imagine the terrifying chill of walking past someone's cell and seeing clots as well as puddles of blood from slashed wrists and arms. Slashed because he could no longer bear the burdens of this life and his past mistakes. It's also hard to understand the mark it leaves to see someone's mind snap under the strain and watching him become a human vegetable from extremely heavy doses of anti-depressants. Daily I face the constant assault on my personality and as a result I am forced to turn my emotional process off. To do otherwise, I run the risk of drying up my range of feelings or losing what little sanity I may have left. In here, you survive by playing a role, acting the part for indifferent eyes, and hiding what you really are from the contamination of this sick world. I know sooner or later the question will be asked, "What is prison really like?" I spend all day, everyday, wishing I didn't know! The simple and most accurate answer ironically also excuses a bad remark, "you had to have been there!" However, that won't suffice because the question will no doubt come from someone who deserves a better response. The main problem is that preformed ideas about prison are waiting to color any response, vague snippets of movies, newspaper reports, and television drama, whose accuracies leave much to be desired. A graphic explanation, if it's possible, stands no chance against media reinforced rumors. Not that the facts about prison are better or worse that the living truth, they're just different. It's easier to describe what prison isn't like: It's not like a country club; it's not like a dungeon, a cave or some torture chamber. It's probably not as bad as you think it is, but it may be far worse. This leads to my favorite inaccuracy: "Prison is what you make of it!" In a very narrow sense that is true, although no matter how hard you may try, you can't make it into a vacation. Another handy stand-by: "Prison is a learing experience!" That's true, however, the same could be said for a heart attack. There is one thing that describes prison, an all encompassed truth, an unarguable fact: Regardless of how you got here, how long you must stay, or what unit your assigned to, prison is lonely! So what is prison really like! Prison is going to sleep at night wondering whom, if anyone is missing you. It's missing your loved ones so much that you must harden you heart just to survive. It's nonchalantly waiting for mail call the way an alcoholic might nonchalantly wait for happy hour. Prison is hearing a song on the radio that transports you to the exact place, time, and feeling of when she last said, "I love you!" Some would rather be transported to hell, a distant cousin of prison rather than being ambushed by such nostalgic songs. Any hunger, terror, depravity, injustice, or humiliation that may be connected with prison most certainly takes a back seat to the isolation and loneliness involved. Being just one number among many goes against the grain. Granted the food is horrible at times and meeting someone who rather spit on you than smile can be discomforting to say the least, but almost everything can be handled and dealt with except the loneliness. I don't say that the popular concepts of prison are inflated, underrated, or totally wrong. I only mean to say that it's secondary to the specter of isolation and loneliness, which is in fact inconceivable... You had to have been there!

Copyright InsideTheWalls.com. All Rights Reserved.

Terms Of Service | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer